im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
