Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
