I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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