I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
