I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
