If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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