i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
