Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
