I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Randomize
