I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
