The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I faked an abortion last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
