My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
