apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
