I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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