Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
