Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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