Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
