Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
