I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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