I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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