I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
