It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
