New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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