tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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