is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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