Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
