I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
