I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
