We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
