:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
