I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
