Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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