Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
