shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
