I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
