Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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