I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
