don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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