she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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