billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
