can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
