god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
