So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
