JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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