Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
