im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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