I need to stop coming to work sober
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
