Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
