dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
