im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
