frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i believe in u and ur pee
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
