he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
