why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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