What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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