I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
